You know that thing on MSN when you pretend to be a 1980s text adventure and the person you're "chatting" with pretends that they're the player? Well, I know it too. In fact a few years ago I used to pretend to be 1980s text adventure every night, whether I was on MSN or talking to someone in real life. Rather than making me insufferable, I received strong positive feedback from friends - who found me "less banal" and "more himself" when I was pretending to be a text adventure - and even barstaff. 'You hand me my change and I say thank you,' I'd say to them, when they handed me my change. 'INVENTORY,' they'd say. 'You have in your pockets: some string, a Daysaver bus ticket and some Pogs,' I'd say. 'You give the Pogs to me.' This usually didn't work - everyone was very attached to their Pogs back then. Anyway, this is one of those MSN text adventures and it struck me as better than anything else I've written in the last couple of days. (Half credit to M. H. Johnson, who is the player).THE PONY OF EV'RYTHING
A Text Adventure by L. N. Kennard
Matthew says:
Run PonyOfEv'rything.
Luke says:
You wake up in a big pink room. A ladder leads up to a hole in the ceiling. There is a grand, golden door to the West and a shabby wooden door to the East. On the floor, a satchel.
Matthew says:
pick up satchel.
Luke says:
Ok. You are now holding the satchel. It feels unpleasantly warm.
Matthew says:
lick satchel.
Luke says:
The satchel tastes of Coors Light Beer - The Silver Bullet!
Matthew says:
then 'drink satchel'
Luke says:
You suck beer out of the satchel fabric. It is not a pleasant experience.
Luke says:
The golden door opens and a prince wearing a big ruby-studded crown enters the room. He is muttering something.
Matthew says:
give unpleasant beer -tasting satchel to prince.
Luke says:
The prince waves his hand as if trying to discourage a persistent cloud of mosquitoes. He wanders to the other side of the room, still muttering.
Matthew says:
speak to prince
Luke says:
The prince is saying, "...It's hardly a prize if I have to pay for the plane-flight, is it?" He notices you, as if for the first time and says, "Yes? You seemed as if you were about to say something."
Matthew says:
say to price [something inaudible]
Luke says:
"I'm sorry?" says the prince. "I didn't catch that. You'll have to speak up."
Matthew says:
Say to prince "I just called you 'price' accidentally. Do you know why? No? It is because you think you're a prince but you're nothing more than a money lender in a ghastly pink gazebo."
Luke says:
The prince looks baffled.
Matthew says:
Say to prince "Baffled are you? I don't suppose you're used to being talked to like that - by your serfs!" [emphaize serfs]
Luke says:
The prince says, "Father, whatever are you talking about?" He removes the crown from his head and says, "I just picked up your crown from the polishers - I thought I'd transport it home on my head." He hands you the crown.
Matthew says:
say "Dear son, tell me...have I won this game yet? How much gold do I have?"
Luke says:
Au: $7.3 Billion
Matthew says:
Say "Hurrah!" and kiss son.
Luke says:
The prince seems pleased by this uncharacteristic display of affection. "It's odd that you're in such a good mood even though mother's been kidnapped and Melchior has overthrown half the kingdom," he says.
Matthew says:
"What? I hadn't bloody heard about that. I only found out I was king three exchanges ago! What will I do?”
Luke says:
The prince says, "Well, you might start by exploring your castle and opening your satchel." He wanders off, shaking his head and saying, "Fabulous prizes indeed."
Matthew says:
open satchel
Luke says:
The satchel contains one punctured can of Coors Light Beer - The Silver Bullet! The can is empty.
Luke says:
There is also a secret pocket in the satchel.
Matthew says:
hide secret pocket
Luke says:
The secret pocket is now secreted about your person.
Matthew says:
go through shabby wooden door to the east
Luke says:
You open the shabby wooden door. It creaks “phenomenally.” You are now in a room made of shabby wood. There is a typewriter on a desk and a lovely office chair. Exits lead West through the shabby wooden door and up a difficult flight of stairs to the North. There is an unopened letter on the desk inscribed: "To the King".
Matthew says:
open closed letter inscribed "To the King"
Luke says:
The letter reads: Dear King, thank you for submitting your poems, "The Work-a-Day Field Marshall Tries to Make a Proposal" and "Blizzard Wanderings". I read them with surprise and irritation. Unfortunately, they do not suit our magazine's present needs. No doubt you will have me put to death. Yours, &c."
Matthew says:
exhale in a faint disapointment
Luke says:
As you exhale, the dangerous looking staircase trembles and collapses in a cloud of dust and splinters. It is just as well you had not elected to climb it.
Matthew says:
say save game under Matt1.sav
Luke says:
Saved.
